The Village is Waiting

We've all heard that it takes a village to raise one child.  Maybe you've even read Hilary Rodham Clinton's book (I have not).  But have you ever thought about what this means? What does it mean to the child to have a village participate in child-rearing?  What does it mean to the parents of that child?

The little thought I had given to this subject in the past left me believing that I had to create a village - gather friends, meet my neighbors, get involved in my community - you know, all the things "good" mothers do.  The other day, though, I had an epiphany.  This epiphany came to me in the usual manner - while I was on the toilet.

I was in a public restroom with my 2 year old son.  As a 2 year old, he wanted nothing  less than to be confined, so he crawled under the stall to look for more entertaining things.  And there was the sink!  Hallelujah!  There also was a woman washing her hands at the sink.  And I was stuck on the john.

I listened to their interaction.  My son only grunts and nods, so I mainly heard the woman talking to him:

"You want some soap?  Okay.  Put your hand under here.  No, here.  There you go!"

Happy grunt.

"Now rub together.  No you don't need soap on both hands, just rub together."

Unhappy grunt.

"Ready to rinse?  Oh, you need some help reaching the water.  Okay.  Up you go."

Shriek of delight.

Now dry your hands.

At this point, I emerge from my stall with an empty bladder and a great idea for this blog.

The woman asked me how old he was, said he was cute, and left.

She was part of the village.  We didn't know each other, but she helped my son wash his hands, and had the same rules I did!  Use soap, rub together, rinse, dry.  My village is pretty big - almost half a million people - so knowing everyone on a first-name basis is a challenge.  I also do not have time to check references or perform criminal background checks on each random person in the grocery store, gas station, and public restroom.  

So how do I teach my children that the world is a wonderful place worth discovering and experiencing?  How do I let them know that not all strangers are bad, that some are worth talking to?  In short, how do I teach them to trust themselves?

It's a razor-fine line to walk between trusting people and being a victim-in-waiting.  I want my kids to explore, to run into people they don't know without me instantly protecting them from an imperceptible harm.  I want them to feel free.  Of course, I don't want people to see me as an inattentive parent whose child can easily be kidnapped.  The only thing that keeps me balanced between trust and sucker is my intuition.  I listen for that voice that may tell me a person's intents are not good.  I wait for that feeling to come to tell me to get me and my children out of a situation fast.  If that voice or that feeling don't come, I hang out in my village.

Being part of a village means you have to know people.  I don't mean that you have to meet each person by name, but you have to know some key people: the village healer, the village grandpa, the village idiot, the village pervert.  In a village the size of a city, these people change faces and names, so you have to turn to that inner voice to discern who is playing which role in your village.  Once you have this down, the rest is easy.  As a parent, you reap the benefits of the villagers who shower your children with love, who reinforce rules that you have in your home, who protect your children from disease.  

In turn, your child reaps the benefits of a world that is lots of fun, generally pretty safe, and sometimes a little scary.  It will take a lot of time for your child to learn the places and times that allow for carefree abandon and those requiring great caution.  With a parent's watchful eye from a distant corner, your child will learn.  And in the learning, they will have so much to tell you about their discoveries.  For no matter the size or makeup of a village, for children, the best place is still home.

Tell me where you find your village, and how you are helping your children find their place in it.

Peace.

In Defense of Entropy

Isn't it adorable when your children echo your words back to you?  To hear your little toddler say, "I think I can manage that" or "I'd be delighted to help you" or "I love you THIS much" or "I'm too busy."  Wait.  "I'm too busy?" From a four-year old?  Hmm.  I know where she's heard that.  

Since we are officially in a recession, we may not have the luxury cars, designer bags, or latest fashions to show our status, but we can still fill that calendar to show the world how important we are.  And if parenting is our career of choice, then we must perform well for our bosses and fill their schedules, too!  After all, how will they get into an Ivy League college if they do not start music, dance, swimming, and art lessons by age three?  Tiger Woods started at age 2!  Good Lord, I'm already behind and my son isn't even weaned yet!  And even if I can't find golf lessons in my neighborhood, shouldn't I, as a loving mother, set aside time each day for planned recreational and educational activities?  

Well, I probably should.  And I sometimes feel guilty about not having arts and crafts every day after breakfast, but most of the time I embrace my chaotic parenting.  Two definitions of entropy read: "a measure of the disorder or randomness in a closed system," and "a measure of the loss of information in a transmitted message."  I am clearly practicing entropic parenting more than attachment parenting or natural parenting.  There is much disorder and randomness in the closed system of my immediate family.  There is much information lost in messages transmitted to children, to parents, and between spouses.  Replacing the order so valued by society is the immediacy of existence for toddlers.  Replacing the intended information is a lot to laugh about as your try to figure out what a non-verbal child is trying to tell you or what a toddler in the middle of a tantrum might need from you.  These benefits of entropic parenting aren't pretty enough to make the cover of a magazine, but they are interesting enough to make a good story.

Living in entropy, we keep a loose routine in our home, but we don't have much of a schedule.  Certain activities precede others (eating beans and rice for lunch precedes having a cookie), but the numbers on the stove clock don't have much to do with lunchtime, playtime, or any other time when we are at home.  When clocks dictate the entire day of a child, the child and the parent miss out on opportunities to learn about themselves and each other.  Life beyond a clock allows a person to control and discipline themselves.  I'm not implying that toddlers are capable of self-regulation if only we threw away all our timepieces, but can't we allow them a little time to just be?  How will they ever learn to self-regulate as teenagers and adults (when we parents won't be around every minute to tell them what to do) if their entire childhood is regulated by the arbitrary concept of time?  [Don't think time is arbitrary?  Explain Daylight Savings Time.]

Of course, clock time is necessary and beneficial, but it need not replace self-awareness. Although clock time can tell us when it is time to eat, it cannot tell us when we are hungry.  Clock time tells us when to sleep, but not when we are tired; when to play, but not when we are energized; when to create, but not when we are feeling creative.  A life based only on clock time externalizes our physical and emotional needs to a certain extent.   How will our children learn what their bodies or minds need if a schedule is always telling us what activity is next?  How will they figure out what calms them, what inspires them, what elates them or saddens them if calming, inspiring, and elating activities are predetermined in preschool educational activities?  How will they determine their own boundaries - physical, emotional, and mental - without unstructured time?  How will they ever be able to cry out, "I'm bored!"?  

Life off the clock allows freedom.  Not a prescribed hour of freedom, but real freedom.  The kind of freedom you get on vacation when there is no dinner to cook, no errands to run, no laundry to fold.  Some children may use that freedom to read, others to see how many times they can spin in a circle before they fall down; but they will all use it to learn about themselves.  Our children have a right to live out their own manifest destiny - to push their own boundaries as far as possible before staring out at a vast ocean.  On that shoreline, we parents may need to pull them back, but each time they approach that boundary, they will have more self-knowledge, and, if we have parented well, they will eventually learn how to prevent themselves from drowning.

Summer is approaching and for many that means new schedules anyway, so why not try a little experiment in entropy for yourself?  Throw away the clock for a day.  Don't worry about what time your child wakes up.  They seem to wake up when they are done sleeping.  Don't worry about what time they take a nap.  They'll be cranky enough for you to know it's "time" for sleep.  Instead of looking at the clock that day, look at your child.  And drop me a line to tell me what you saw.

Planting Seeds

Now that we have been in our house for over a year, I am preparing the garden beds that were a big selling point when we looked at the house in November 2006.  In their neglect, they became overrun with Bermuda grass.  The grass must be dug up by the insidious roots, compost must be hauled in, the garden must be planned.  There is a lot of work to be done.  And I haven't even gotten to the actual planting yet!

Fortunately, I know how to work at something everyday and not expect to see results for a long time, if at all.  That is parenting.

The word "gardening" can summon a multitude of images.  You might envision a pristine English garden with stone pathways, lavender, fountains.  You may think of a window box outside of your apartment where pansies brighten your winter days and fresh herbs grow all summer.  You may think of row after tidy row of vegetables, or endless hours of work for something that you could just as easily get at the store.  I think of gardening as eternal hope.

I start my gardening in winter: daydreaming of fresh, juicy tomatoes plucked off the vine and enjoyed with a sprinkle of salt; butterflies and bees working diligently to pollinate my vegetables-to-be; hours lounging in the shade with a cold drink.  When spring comes, my thoughts turn to work: where to plant what; what vegetables need more space; how much sun each garden bed will get in the summer.  But all that daydreaming and planning just come down to getting some seeds, putting them in the dirt, covering them up, adding water, and waiting.

Likewise, I plant seeds in my children's hearts and minds.  Sometimes the conditions are ideal: the seed is nurtured with just the right amount of attention, love, food, shelter.  However, there are times of drought: not enough time, not enough patience, not enough resources.  There are times of flood:  too much rushing, too much "because I said so," too many "Nos!"  But like the seeds in my garden, they sprout.  They start off small and unsure, needing constant attention.  We must make sure that there is enough light for times of growth, enough darkness for times of rest, enough love for good health.  

And so they grow.  Like weeds!  And we can see the results of our work. We see tiny sprouts of green turn into peas, spinach, tomatoes.  We hear our own words (for better or for worse) repeated back to us in such cute little voices.  We see so clearly the origins of their thoughts.  

Under good conditions, they grow stronger and don't need constant care.  The plants form stronger roots and confidently grow up.  Our children have their own ideas, their own way of moving through the world.  They may say things that we cannot understand.  They come into their own.  And we must let them.  

My children are gardening beside me this year.  Getting dirty, finding earthworms and snakes.  Digging up garden beds that I have asked them not to, apologizing, then digging up more garden beds that I have firmly told them not to.  We will be learning together about vegetables, water, weeds, bug control, and most importantly, each other.  For just as the most dedicated gardener cannot control the sun or the rain, the most dedicated parent cannot control the growing mind of a child.  We plant the seeds, do our best with the conditions we are given (or try to create better conditions), and lounge in the shade with a cold drink.

Plant something today.  A seed.  A kiss.  Anything you have.  Just do it with love.  And tell me about the results.

Circumventing Circumcision

Because we didn't find out the sex of either of our children before their births, my husband and I had the circumcision discussion when I was pregnant with my daughter.  That was four years ago, and the only resource that I had tapped into was my instinct.  I knew that America was the only developed (?) country in which routine circumcision on boys was still practiced, so I wondered what other countries, and entire continents, knew that we didn't.  Why were Americans so quick to cut off part of a healthy penis?  I spoke to my husband about it, who agreed to do whatever I thought was best.  So, my gut told me that circumcision wasn't necessary, and that was that.

Then we gave birth to a boy.  We opted not to circumcise and met no resistance with our decision.  Then the boy got a urinary tract infection at the age of two days.  He was taken to the emergency room, where they did a spinal tap to make sure he did not have spinal meningitis.  They collected a urine sample which involved me holding him down, his arms put into a pillowcase behind him so he could not move them, and a catheter being placed (yes, a tube inserted into his penis) and waiting for him to pee.  You may not have ever noticed, but when a person is screaming, their abdominal muscles engage, which creates a slight "bearing down" effect on the pelvic floor, making it virtually impossible, and certainly extremely painful, to insert anything up into and beyond the pelvic floor.  We were cleared to go home, shouldn't have been, had to return, and spent a couple of days in the hospital with our son getting intravenous antibiotics.  By day seven of his life, he had had more tests and more medicine than my then-2-year-old daughter - five catheters alone!  He came home, was happy and healthy, until another UTI appeared.  Then a third - all before his 1st birthday. 

My pediatrician was concerned and sent him to a specialist.  We had to repeat the same tests done on day three of his life to ensure that there was no physical reason for the recurring UTI's.  With those complete, and no positive test results, we were faced with the circumcision question.  My pediatrician (completely supportive of my parenting decisions) said that the only medical indication to circumcise was recurring UTI's.  

Popular opinion tells us that circumcision is not a big deal.  That the child cannot feel much pain.  That the boy will be able to stay cleaner without the foreskin in tact.  That the chance of contracting HIV and other sexually transmitted diseases is reduced.  That an uncircumcised boy will look weird in the locker room and feel out of place.  I checked in with my gut, which said that if all these things were true, how is it that so many European and Asian men are walking around in perfect penile health?  I had to formalize my research efforts.  

The subject is very emotionally charged, so getting clear information is a challenge.  In short, I found the following:

1. Circumcision is a big deal.  It is surgery.  It is surgery performed without anaesthesia.  It may not be a big deal to a physician who performs several circumcisions each day, but it is a very big deal to your own son, who only has one penis.

2.  If you think your newborn can't feel pain, try cutting their fingernails too close.

3.  Hygiene is important.  When the boy reaches puberty, the foreskin must be retracted during showers in order to clean thoroughly.  I have two comments: First, a girl's genitals have more folds of skin than an uncircumcised boy.  Second, I'm sure telling my post-pubescent son to touch his penis in the shower will be met with complete embarrassment followed by inner delight.  

4.  I have serious questions about the validity of studies which indicate that uncircumcised men have a higher incidence of HIV.  (See the World Health Organization website for more information)

5.  My husband assured me that boys in locker rooms do everything they can to avoid looking at each other's penises.  That is the last place you want to be caught looking.  

Having armed myself as best as possible, wading through emotionally charged "scientific" articles, I returned with my son to the specialist to discuss what can be done about his recurring UTI's, other than have him on antibiotics constantly (which did relieve UTI symptoms, but left poor son with a blistering diaper rash from stem to stern).  I was armed with the best information I could find and a fierce mama-bear attitude of protection.  I was prepared to put up a fight, and would try my best to not sound hysterical.  How happy I was to learn from this doctor that a new study had been released indicating that if an infant has recurring UTI's and the cause is suspected to be the foreskin, that chance greatly diminishes after the age of 1.  My son was 15 months old.  The specialist recommended following up in one year.  Nothing more.

I returned to my pediatrician for an 18-month checkup and told her the good news.  She was very happy that I would not have to pursue this option, primarily because she knew that I was opposed to it.  She was pleased to learn of that study, and would be looking into the matter more herself.

If you are expecting to give birth to a boy and wonder what you should do about circumcision, please keep the following in mind:

The following reprint from Mothering magazine has two articles in which people speak rationally about the circumcision procedure and the rationale in avoiding circumcision:

Mothering Magazine Reprint on Circumcision

There is not a single medical association in the WORLD that recommends routine circumcision.  NONE!  In fact, this information can be found on the website of the American Academy of Pediatrics.  The headline reads, "Scientific Evidence Insufficient to Warrant Routine Circumcision."  This is dated from 1999.  In fact, this statement goes on to say that parents should be given accurate and unbiased information and left to make the decision they feel is best for the child.  As I have said, that information is hard to come by.

AAP Policy Statement on Neonatal Circumcision

For more anecdotal reference, I have the following story.  A hairdresser (friend of my sister's) is pregnant with a boy.  She has a client who is a mohel (the person in the Jewish faith who performs the religious ceremony of circumcision, known as briss).  The hairdresser was on the fence about the issue, and asked her client about it.  Before she could even complete her question, the mohel answered bluntly, "If it's not your religion, don't do it."

 

Finally, If you have a very strong stomach and can watch a male circumcision being performed, see the following excerpt from "Birth As We Know It," a documentary by a German midwife.  It is not easy to watch, I will warn you.  I was crying and nauseated.  It is restricted on YouTube for content.  I only reference this so you may have all the information I had.  

Birth As We Know It clip

As with all aspects of parenting, one decision does not make you a good or bad parent.  I strongly believe that anyone reading this blog is making the best choices they can make with the information available to them.   So, congratulations.  You are doing a great job.  Keep learning, so you can keep up the good work.

Breastfeeding Dads

Ever heard of a man suffering from breast envy?  Of course you have.  New dads watch their babies nurse and see the amazing, mystical bond that develops between babe at breast and woman providing breast.  Some new dads, therefore, jump at the chance to bottle-feed their little ones, to try to capture some of that intimacy.  My husband mostly just got to beat our children on the back waiting for them to burp.

Although male lactation is possible (just search for it!), I am here to tell you that even without milk coming out of your nipples, you play a key role in your baby's nursing relationship to mom.  I'm not just patting dads on the head with a "There, there, sweetie.  You can burp the baby!"  I'm telling you that without my husband's support, I could not have nursed my daughter for 15 months and my son for 21 months (and counting).  

I knew I wanted to breastfeed my children and I had support before they were born.  My mother nursed all four of her children and was active with La Leche League during the height of formula-pushing.  I read, from cover to cover, The Womanly Art of Breastfeeding.  That was the best book I read during pregnancy - not any of those silly books that talk about how great sex is during your second trimester or how vivid your dreams are.  A book about breastfeeding (see also Martha and William Sears' The Breastfeeding Book) provides so much information that you will need on day one of motherhood.  There will not be time to read this once the baby is in your arms, so use that afternoon couch time to learn what you can expect.  

Yes, breastfeeding is natural and, Yes, it has been done for thousands of years.  But how many times have YOU done it??  The book offered me the knowledge that there may be problems, or special circumstances that can interrupt nursing.  With this knowledge tucked away in my new mommy brain, I felt mostly sure that my daughter and I would succeed.  When problems arose (like copious, projectile vomit), I knew that there would be something in the book that would help me.  When my breasts got so big that even my husband thought they must hurt, and the baby was sleeping for more than 30 minutes for the first time in 2 months so there was no hope of nursing her, I knew I could turn to the book for suggestions (a long, hot shower did the trick).  Knowing that other people had tried, failed, tried again (and sometimes again) and succeeded, and that they had shared their advice in this one book, was a big help.

More important than any book in the world, however, I had my husband.  He knew the benefits of breastfeeding (either he read the book himself or I read aloud to him).  He knew that there was no better option that a healthy mom had to feed her healthy baby.  He knew that my breasts wouldn't always be the domain of our children (and he could eventually reclaim them).  And with this knowledge, he graciously brought me a pillow for nursing, a blanket to cover us both, a glass of water for the always-dehydrated nursing mom, and always a kiss.  He enjoyed watching baby bond with mother.  And every time he helped me nurse our children, our bond as husband and wife strengthened, and our bond as a family strengthened.  

Dads, please educate yourselves about breastfeeding.  Your wife will be too overwhelmed and too exhausted.  Everywhere she turns, someone will be telling her that the formula made today is "just as good" or worse (from the mouth of a friend's ex-pediatrician) "superior to breastmilk."  Mom will see ads everywhere that show a happy, well-rested mom bottle-feeding her baby.  She won't see statistics on breastfed babies with lower incidences of food allergies, asthma, intestinal problems, even higher test scores.  Those statistics are buried under a big, fat bottle filled with formula.

We need you dads.  The human race did not get this far on Nestle's formula.  We got here "on the boob."  And we need your help to protect our right to use our boobs.  Because behind every successful breastfeeding mom is a patient, supportive breastfeeding dad.

When books aren't enough:

Finding a local chapter of La Leche League International can bring you face-to-face with moms who have been through difficulties and nursed their way out of them.  They can also give recommendations for lactation consultants (most leaders of LLL chapters are certified lactation consultants).

If you had a doula or midwife present at your birth, they can usually help after birth with breastfeeding questions.

If you have serious concerns about you and your baby's ability to breastfeed, look for a lactation consultant who will come to your home with a hospital scale.  

To read more about, and use, the breastfeeding symbol (used at top of page), and breastfeeding in general, see Mothering Magazine at www.mothering.com

The Walking Encyclopedia

Do you have a friend who you always go to with random questions? And your friend either seems to know immediately, or knows exactly where to go to get the information? It's like using Google with your friend's voice attached.

Well, I have been that friend so often, that my sister decided it was time I started a blog. I have two children, a daughter and a son, who will be 4 and 2 respectively, in March 2008. I wasn't the first among my friends to have children, but I seemed to be the first among my friends who wanted to raise her children more naturally. This meant I had few role models and seemed to be inventing my own wheels as I trudged through mud.

When my friends call me, or friends of friends, or friends of sisters, I am a bit taken aback. I try my best to raise my children without unnecessary medical intervention, without pesticides on our food, without chemicals in our home, and all those other "natural" things, but I am not an expert. I am just a mother who has tried many different ways of diapering, feeding, sleeping, disciplining, and any other "-ing" associated with parenting. My own gut tells me that living naturally creates better health, which creates a better life for us all. And when you seem to be going against the grain of what society considers the proper way to parent, your gut is all you have. It is your own natural resource.

But what is natural mothering? For me, mothering naturally is grounded in doing what is best for my children. This is a simple answer. All difficult tasks have simple explanations. Doing what is best for my children includes:
doing what is best for my husband and myself
doing what is best for other humans
doing what is best for animals, and
doing what is best for the environment.
You can see this is no small undertaking. But no matter if you breastfeed or not, co-sleep or not, circumcise or not, parenting is difficult. Which is why we need friends.

No matter at what parenting stage you find yourself, you must find friends who will support your parenting style. Not just someone to smile and nod while you nurse your 18-month old in public and rant about the marketing techniques of formula companies, but someone who can truly support your decisions. Better yet, find someone who can provide you with information to help you make the best decision for you and your family. Someone who understands that the only experts for your child are the parents of that child. Someone who understands that parenting may not come naturally to us all, but we can still parent naturally.

Welcome. You have found that someone. I look forward to our children growing together.